Ep. 27: Everything Looks Like an Erect Penis
Special announcement at the end of this episode. This week Dan & Emily are talking about National Treasure and discussing crazy theories. Check below for timestamps.
Amazon’s The Boys and The Sims 4 Star Wars (00:01:03)
National Treasure (00:05:54)
Denver Airport: Hub of Evil (00:23:58)
The Burrows Cave (00:32:14)
HAARP Weather Control (00:37:56)
Why does Jesus have a Japanese name? (00:45:19)
Urban Dictionary (00:57:11)
Announcement (01:01:29}
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Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of My Kajiggers today we're talking about the one, the only national treasure, except for the sequel, except for the sequel and the upcoming third one. And the TV series could hold on here and we'll get to that.
Apparently, I didn't know anything about that. Not only are we talking about national treasure, but, you know, we're talking about conspiracy theories. Again, we have a couple each for you and Rabinow with some disturbing and hilarious urban dictionary. More disturbing than usual. Oh, yeah. How many are about poop? I'm not telling you. Fuck you, Dan.
Hey, I wouldn't ask if there wasn't a history of it.
You'll find out. We'll see how we get through.
Ok, so before we get to National Treasure, the season two of the boys came out also. It's already out. Well, yeah, they're not. You can't binge the whole season like last time they're releasing it week by week, which I kind of like.
But it doesn't make you feel as like Shelley sitting there and you binge an entire season.
All that. Plus it feels like there's a little bit of a mystery going on with one of the characters and what they're really up to.
The Sudan has to be very vague because I haven't finished the first season yet.
And I also don't want to spoil the new season for anybody, but I like that they're doing it week by week so that that mystery has time to breathe rather than, oh, I'm just going to binge it. Although in the newest episode there was this one part, it was like a flashback. And there's a character like obscured. You can't see them. You just hear the voice. I'm like, I know that voice. I'm going to immediately guess this is such and such character. And I felt so smart. And then that very same scene, they said, Oh yeah, this was so-and-so, my mother. Fuck here. They're just screwing with me. Oh, for sure. That's what I love about the boys. It's every episode there's just like what the fuck am I watch. It is just so bizarre.
See Mikey really liked it and I sometimes it takes me a while to get into shows and I'll leave it and I have to come back to it like several other shows that I watch that I have to come back to. But I do want to finish it. It's just that I watch YouTube videos, but that's mostly when I'm like going to bed. So I don't actually sit down and take the time to actually watch TV much anymore.
But will you have anything else to say about voice other than you just finished the first season? Because it's really good. Yeah, and I like the guy that plays like their version of Superman and he's kind of like a budget version of Chris Pine and kind of plays in that way, too. Yeah. Oh, it's it's just such a crazy show. I recommend it to anybody that isn't easily offended but also likes superheroes. It's entertaining.
I'll definitely get back to it's not something that I'm just like, no, I'll never watch this again. But what I've been doing is I've been playing The Sims, which shocker. But New Sympathique came out and it ties to a movie that we have done a Star Wars. Pat came out and it's called Journey to Battoo.
Oh, I did see something about that.
And you can make your own character and it's got a new aspiration. And like the aspiration is like goals you try and reach in your Sims life to master that. And there's some new skills. I think I haven't played too much into it because I've seen some of the Star Wars movies since we did them for the podcast. But like, I'm not a Star Wars fan, I think the movies were good that we watch. But it's not something that I don't get obsessed with things. Yeah, but you can play as a you can work for the new order. So it's got Kylo Ren in that raid checking it. Yeah. And so you can do the new order or you can fight for the resistance or you can be a scoundrel and you can level up it. If you level up and like resistance you become more of an enemy. It's kind of nice. I've been watching a lot of gameplay on it, but I watching the gameplay has made me want to play it some more, but I'm still a little iffy on it. I don't know, not huge stars because it's very limited of what you can do. But it's I don't know, it's something I need to play more into.
We'll see. I like how earlier this week you sent me a picture from The Sims. You're like, I think I accidentally created Dr. Strange.
I'm Bob Ross. I made a happy accident. I was creating a new family and oh, shocker. I was playing a vampire family. But like in The Sims four, you can change their looks by clicking on different features and you can, like, move them in and out, make a more gontmakher more full, unlike, you know, the Sims, where it was just like you clicked on a face. And so. I wasn't thinking I was mindlessly, like, shaping his face to have a little bit more bone structure because, I mean, he's a vampire, so he's going to be a little bit more like thin in the face, but like have strong features. And I threw a goatee beard thing on him. And before I knew it, like the hairstyle, it was kind of like pushed back like his in the movie. It is something I looked at in the outfit that he was wearing. Didn't help either, but I just looked at him like that. I just picked Doctor who know Doctor Who, Dr. Strange. And so I sent it to you, but I also sent it to my other friends I like. How the fuck did you do that? I don't know. But I mean, they also thought it was him. It looked like I'm good.
Ok, you want to get into national treasure? I do. I really like the opening of this movie, the whole journey through history and tracking this treasure as young Ben Gates is learning the story from his grandfather and he's just mesmerized by it.
I do honestly really like this movie.
I had forgotten how much I like this movie. It's yes, it's a good family movie. It's not really dumbed down for kids, but also, like, you can let a kid watch it and it's not over their head because, I mean, it came out in 2004.
So I was nine years old when I came out and I went and saw it in theaters. So that makes you feel old and you're. Well, a little bit since I was nine when I came out. And I mean, I thought this movie I mean, this movie was a little bit ahead of its time because, I mean, for 2004, the graphics were good.
The only thing that really dates this movie is the phones. Yes. And the hair. Yes. Specifically Nicolas Cage, his hair and Sean Bean's hair. It's very 2000s.
I have a whole rant about Nic Cage, OK? And we can get to that or we can do it now. No time like the present. I can't fucking stand Nicolas Cage and I can't stand his stupid face. I mean, he I think he was a good pick for this movie, and I think he'll continue being a good pick for this movie because I feel like that fits his shitty persona.
But like, I seriously can't stand his weird fucking face because it doesn't move.
Sometimes it moves too much.
There is no in between because he has his mouth is shaped kind of weird. And so, like it kind of like hangs a gay a little bit. But like when he talks, it doesn't fucking move. He was like a tiny little MILF and he talks to this tiny little mouse hole.
So I enjoyed watching this one enough that I was watching National Treasure two yesterday. And that movie almost felt like a parody of the first one.
It has been since The National Treasure because I also had national treasure to come out in theaters. But it's been 10 years since I've seen it.
I was watching. You want to start watching? I'm like I feel like there was a reason I didn't like this movie as much as the first, but I'll go back and watch it. And so much of it is just we're taking the first movie and how Nicolas Cage knows everything about everything. And we're just going to dial it up a notch in the most ridiculous ways. And the first one revolved around him stealing the Declaration of Independence to save it. So in this second one, we got to take that up. He's going to kidnap the president.
Oh, yeah. See, it's been so long since I've seen it that I have forgotten what actually happens in the second one.
That was a selling point for that movie, because I watched the trailer first and he says in the trailer, I have to kidnap the president. No, no, you don't know.
But like, OK, so Ben Gates, first off, Benjamin Franklin Gates. I shook my head so goddamn hard when I said his full name.
I like God, but like, I feel like the way Nic Cage is in person is also Ben Gates. Like, I know that he plays him, but like he was basically playing himself fucking with a different name. I can see that it's just plays the Cage in the Cage movies.
He's an odd man in this movie, but like, OK, he comes off so just he presents himself too highly of himself. And like, I know he's an incredibly smart person and like his character is an incredibly smart, well educated person. Like, knock it down a little bit. We know you're smart, but like, don't be an ass about it.
Like, don't make yourself seem like such a dick the way he just talks through things while everybody else is standing around the.
I noted that because when they're on the Charlotte and he's sitting there talking through, I'm like, how the fuck did you get from this to this? And I put a note in here. It says, Nick Cage, Logic is weird meme of Charlie Day where he's like standing over. He's standing at the board with all the lines or the one with is it that Robert's check? It's like geometry symbols flying around or. Yeah, no, you're talking Julia Roberts is I heard is or it looks like Julia Roberts.
It's not. It's from like some Brazilian soap opera or something.
Ok, but you know, it has like the mass symbols flying around and that's immediately what I thought of him just sitting there talking about the pipe and talking about all of this out.
Well, that's specifically what I was thinking of when I said the second one's kind of like a parody of the first one. There's a scene where he's trying to decipher a clue in France and there's just some French policemen standing by him and he's talking through it and asking rhetorical questions. And they're like trying to answer, but they have no clue what he's talking about. But I like that part on the Charlotte when they're all trying to piece together the clues and the one guy's like, maybe it means prison. And then Riley's like Albuquerque. See, I can throw out random words, too.
So I actually went to IMDB and like, just because I want to know of any of these items were actually like, is the pipe real? Setas, I wanted to know because I thought I saw somewhere that in real life, the Declaration of Independence, there is a copy of it actually on display in the real one.
I think I've heard that, too. I mean, there's a few original copies out there, but.
Yeah, but like, I'm pretty sure they have a copy on display and so have the actual one because it's just so fragile at this point. And also light light is going to ruin it. But I want to know how he got to the point of slicing open his thumb. Oh, wait back to Riley. When I went to IMDB, I went to the trivia and it was like, that's actually from a weird al song where he says Albequerque in what is this? I don't want to I said, snorkel, snorkel. It's from one of the weird al songs or whatever, which probably would have been popular at that time.
And maybe there's a lot of really big leaps in logic that he makes in this movie. Yeah, like you said, the like cutting his thumb open to use it as ink because it.
Does it show him, like inspecting the smoking part of the pipe, because for the most part, he had the chip in his hand and he like the part, like the pipe hold, like the tobacco hole.
Yeah. And all of a sudden you see him just sign over his thumb and roll it down, which honestly is really cool that they made that piece and put so much detail into that pipe that it rolled a message out. That is kind of cool. That's cool. The detail in this movie is actually really good.
Let's talk about the treasure. OK, now I understand the historical significance of the treasure because it's basically the accumulated wealth of all human history from ancient Egypt to the Middle Ages and whatnot. How about the concept of let's hide this treasure? The whole premise is the founding fathers decided to hide this treasure, but they left all these clues. How did that conversation go down? Like they're signing the Declaration of Independence and some guy comes up, he's like, OK, guys, we got all this treasure. We could use it to build our new nation or hear me out scavenger hunt. We'll just take out some loans to build our nation. Hamilton, get on that.
See, I mean, to me, I feel like if some of those things because, like, they're talking about like scrolls from the Library of Alexandria, which to my knowledge, there's nothing left. Yeah. And if something fell into the wrong hands of the wrong person like they were trying to fight on. Yeah. Because it would have just been ruined for people rather than going back to the specific nations that it belongs to, to go into museums, I really don't know, because there's so much of it. And there was just layers upon layers of treasure. I'm like, how do they move all of this in?
The clues are so convoluted. And even once they get to the final location of the treasure, there's multiple fake and neat, like they get to one room and it's empty and there's no path like, oh, there's a secret passageway out of here. They decipher that clue, get into the secret passage there in the next room. That's a decoy treasure room with nothing in it. Yeah. And so then they have to decipher another clue to get into the real treasure room. Like, I feel like once you've deciphered the clues to get that far, you probably deserve to get that treasure. Yeah, that's the point of multiple fake rooms of oh, they came this far. They were smart enough to decipher all these codes. But if they can't figure out this one last one, fuck them.
Ok, so speaking of the treasure, let's talk about the Freemasons real quick. And do you think I'm in the government? Hide shit from us all the time. They're hiding shit from us. Yeah. Do you think that there might be some kind of treasure out there and that the Freemasons have hidden something? Because, I mean, the Freemasons is a real fraternity.
Yeah. I'm not someone that buys into Freemason conspiracies because I've known some masons and they're not.
I mean, I'm sure the conspiracies get more clear when, like, they are like higher level, higher level, like wealthier men.
I think that just comes down to being higher level, wealthier men.
In some sense, it just popped into my head. Does your dad think he's a Freemason?
Want to say, my dad's amazing?
Is he? I think honestly, one fuckin surprised me if I remember.
I think he was in the Masonic Lodge. But like I said, it's just like a social club. So it doesn't really I don't think he's been in years.
See it like Masonic lodges in our area because we live in such a small area, don't really mean a whole lot. But like powerful men who are Freemasons, there's some weird shit. There's some sneaky shit going on.
Again, though, I don't think it's because they're Masons, I think is just very powerful men, but bigger goes. And I definitely do think there's hidden stuff out there like the Vatican archives. Let me circle. There's so much there that like who knows what they've collected.
I'm not a religious person, but if there's secrets about like I could find myself setting probably about other religions just to get a better understanding about it. Vatican hide shit. They're up to no good.
Just talking about this makes me want to go watch Angels and demons.
Never seen it. It's not part of The Da Vinci Code, isn't it?
Yeah, I didn't like The Da Vinci Code, but Angels and Demons is good and it's got Ewan McGregor in it. It's got Tom Hanks with the same haircut that Nicolas Cage has in this movie 2014.
So do you have to watch them or read the books in a certain order?
I didn't read the books.
I don't think there's really anything they're not like they don't go hand in hand.
Yes. I think all you need to know about The Da Vinci Code to watch Angels and Demons is that his character solves puzzles.
And I mean, that is I mean, The Da Vinci Code was is an acclaimed movie. Yeah. And it's something that when it came out, I was too young probably to really follow along with it. So as an adult, I do want to watch it.
You should definitely watch Angels and Demons, and basically Tom Hanks is a professor that's basically the same guy as Nicolas Cage in this movie. They just know everything about everything. That's that character.
What do you think of the hidden map on the back of the declaration? What do you think about in general using not like lemon juice, like they did in the movie, but like different frequencies of lighting to find a hidden map on something?
I think that's a cool idea. I like the glasses that Ben Franklin created in this movie.
And they looked like I mean, didn't he have like a legit pair that almost kind of looked like that in real life? It wouldn't surprise me. I mean, because he was he was brilliant man.
He was an inventor. And Thomas Jefferson, I'm surprised Jefferson wasn't invoked in this really at all because he was known to tinker with stuff in it. And yeah, I think it's a cool idea. Those glasses, though, there's a moment in this movie that was like, what the fuck? So Nicolas Cage gets captured by the FBI, but the bad guys realize they need him to get to the treasure so they help him escape. Their escape plan is, hey, bring those fragile antique glasses of Ben Franklin's because we need them and jump off the side and jump off the side of an aircraft carrier into the Hudson River with them.
Also, the whole fact, like, OK, so and when they're in the tunnel and they're fucking falling off, shit, like those glasses would have been shattered. Yeah. Unless they were inside of the declaration case.
They're lucky those glasses end up on the bottom of that river. The last 40 minutes of this movie could have just been dive teams looking for a set of antique glasses in the bottom of the Hudson River here in the Hudson River is disgusting.
That was my favorite part. Like, do you see them, sir? It's the Hudson River.
You can't see anything. I like the deal that the FBI agent makes with Nicolas Cage. He's like, OK, you have two options. One, you go to prison for a very long time, too. You help us get back the declaration and you still go to prison for a very long time, but you feel better inside.
I do like the police chief. That was great. One of the scenes I couldn't stand was they were with the bad guys. I think it was when Nick Cage grabbed the girl and, you know, gave the cheesy fucking kissing I wanna throw up. I haven't known about that. I literally wrote barve cheesy kiss scene.
Well, here's my note about that moment. Nicolas Cage is the only person carrying a torch. He's leading the way in an otherwise dark underground tunnel with large caverns and holes for people to fall down. He steps back and lets everybody walk by him so he can stop to kiss his girlfriend.
No, while the other guy has had a torch. Not that point, I thought, Shannon, not yet.
Later, once they get down the tunnel, they find a second one. But I went back and watch this. He's definitely the only one with a torch. So he stays back to kiss his girlfriend. He leaves his dad and his sidekick to just continue wandering in the dark. And when he catches up to them, they're right at a giant hole in the ground. Good thing they stopped. Yeah, it was a good thing they stopped and did just walk right into the giant pit.
Speaking of his dad, Ben Gates is probably thirty in this movie. I'd say probably forty. Forty. OK, so his dad's probably like eighty something like 70 or 80, 70 or 80. So once they figure out the last treasure room, after they're left down there, which side note Ben knew that was there. Yeah. And he went to it so fucking quickly and it took them, they didn't have to figure out any clues. He literally stuck the Charlotte pipe in there and knew immediately what he was doing. But it popped open a door out of four people, one of them being bent open the door.
So there's three people, two of them who are 40 to 50 years younger than Patrick Gates and Patrick Gates opened up the giant stone fucking door. Abigail could have opened that door, right? I'm sure she could have opened it easier than Riley. Yeah, but Patrick Gates opened it.
He's so cantankerous, too. I love the part where they're at his house and they're like looking at the code on the back of the declaration. And he's just hovering in the background, like giving them tips because he doesn't know what they're working on. Yeah. And then finally, they're like, wow, I can't believe this has been on the back of this the whole time. He's on the back of what he looks up the quarter. He's like, holy shit, you stole that freaking out because he grabbed it pretty rough.
Yeah, I thought he was going to die right there. Like he looked like he had heart attack face.
And they're trying so hard earlier in the movie to, like, treat it gently and use gloves and everything. Then later in the church, Nicolas Cage and Ian are just like man handling it.
Yeah, I mean, a certain situation they couldn't just like, hold on, let me whip out my nice white gloves.
Yeah, they probably could have laid on the ground or something rather than just holding it up in the air. Yeah, probably, yeah. When they're in that giant pit in the stairway down is falling apart, everything kind of settles. They're relatively safe. Someone's on an elevator, someone's on the remnants of a broken step and then they regroup. Ian's like, we're going forward. Why? I mean, I guess he wants the treasure. There's no reason with the resources we've seen him have earlier in the movie, he can't just send somebody for some climbing gear and rope and safely just rappel down to the bottom of the gathered like they don't need to stay on this rickety old wooden elevator.
Well, I mean, if they continued forward and they found the stuff right then and there, they could just shove them off the side right then in there.
Yeah. Even in this movie is kind of uneven. Like, it's hard to peg down what he's about because at the end the movie is portrayed like he'll just kill them as soon as he has the treasure, he doesn't need them. And yet earlier in the movie, he specifically tells his guys to leave Riley and Abigail alone once they have the declaration because he doesn't need them anymore. And there's no they're no threat.
But I mean, he uses them as a threat to been like, hey, I've got your friend and your potential girlfriend lover here, like, help me, or we kill them and you lose everything.
Yeah, because later. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Like earlier in the movie, he seems like he's not a great guy, but at least he has a little bit of a code. He's not just going to randomly kill people. He doesn't need to. Yeah. And at the end of the movie he's like, OK, I don't need you. I'm just going to leave you here to die.
Like, well, I mean, if they change, they know what it's like. I mean, they've seen too much. Yes. The movie was really good.
I'm glad we watched it since we've been talking about national treasure and the whole idea of well hidden treasures and alternate histories, unknown histories, we thought we would go into some not quite paranormal, but just fringe theories we found around the Internet. So why don't you go first?
Ok, so my first one is that the Denver airport is a hub of evil.
I've heard something about this. I don't remember any of the details.
So a little background. So the Denver International Airport was open in nineteen ninety five and has been a source for conspiracies even before the construction was completed. When the idea of the DIA came up, people were not sure what the point was because Denver already had an airport and it functioned well and it was close to downtown. The airport initially was over two million dollars over budget and is twice the size of the city of Manhattan. The airport itself is twice the size of Manhattan, supposedly to this website that I got some information on Jesus Christ. And I mean, Manhattan is quite large. Yeah. I mean, the aerial shot of it is just fucking huge. OK, so people believe there is a space underneath the airport that was being used for the Illuminati because why would it be two million dollars over budget if there wasn't something underneath it? So part of this theory is that when the construction was going on, the first five buildings were built, but they weren't built correctly. And so instead of scrapping that idea, they just built over them, OK, and making them almost like underground layers, like the buildings are still there underneath the airport. They just went over top of them instead of just knocking them down. The other is that it was created like the underground that they think that they say is there and yes. Are underground tunnels. There is, but we'll get to that. So it was created for the Nazi group New World Order, which kind of ties into the Freemasons a little bit.
And I put that in there. So like I said, Freemasons are legit. Nazis were real, too. But, um, so basically, I'm not going there because there's too many fucking idiots out there. Go on. So the theory is that this was created for the New World Order and that they created fallout shelters underneath. But the what they say is fallout shelters was actually an automatic baggage system that they built like it was completely done. But there are some problems with this is never used. So that's why these underground like tunnels are coming from. And that never worked. So apparently is being used for the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Nazis, probably lizard people, too. Well, the art show, like the arts, kind of like they've got some, like, crazy art in there and whatnot. And one of them is a I think we say like a Nazi overlord or like there's a guy that's wearing a gas mask. It's very bright and colorful. But it was talking about like being like the children in it or like a symbol of hope to overthrow the. Hater. OK, I don't know, some of the art is really crazy, and they think the alien statue like alien drawings and they've got gargoyle statues and they say like, you know, the gargoyle statues are historically used to ward off spirits and like bad juju. And people are like, there's just so many evil symbols in here.
It seems weird if you're an evil group and you wanted to have some giant secret monument or whatever, why would you then go about putting a lot of secret symbols out in the open for people to take notice of because people are idiots?
And if they think it, you know, they were like, no, it's just art. We're we're not evil at all.
Like Hydra in the Marvel Universe, they brand everything. Like they got to have their logo on everything.
Yes. So the next thing is that after their war was completed, when you go into the airport, there's a 30 foot tall statue of a blue horse with glowing red eyes. And he's a fiberglass like cast huge. So they call him blue or people nicknamed him Lucifer, which I fucking love. And he's really cool and very nicely done. So in the construction of Lucifer, the artist, his name was Luis Jimenez, actually died right before it was completed. So he was contracted to make the statue. And right before it was completed, the statue fell on top of him, pinning him against something that is said like a metal rod or something. And it sliced an artery and he basically bled to death.
So the statue killed him and they've still installed it someplace else.
So his wishes were that, like his family completed it and the statue was erected. So people think like statues, evil because it fell on the guy that created it. Like accidents happen. What it was like a nine hundred pound statue. Accidents happen. So could it be coincidental? Could it be evil spirits? But people were talking about like the glowing red eyes. Somebody saw the one of the really a video I watched that they wanted to put lasers in it, but which doesn't make sense because why would you put lasers in it if you're at an airport that's just going to fuck with things. So you just put like red light bulbs in there. One of the theories is that the horse is a symbol for the four horsemen of the apocalypse. It's a horse. It's a blue horse. I think what you want, like people try to associate, like, artwork to like Nazis and Freemasons. And there is actually a Freemason like stone work that's got stuff inscribed on it. I think it's just that they have a lot of cool objects in there. My favorite theory, one of the posts that I went to that says truth, that the Denver airport is evil. So if you look at the aerial shot, they say that the airport itself is built almost in the shape of a swastika. OK. And have you looked at it? I have kind of not really see. I mean, it's got runways, so it's got jutted points and then you have the hub in the center. So it really excuse it a little bit, which also this lunatic that was making a video says that it looks like an erect penis. So like two balls and a penis and everything looks like an erect penis to somebody.
And that's what this guy in this video is talking about, is that all the phallic symbols in the Denver airport and how it's trying to sway people like with phallic symbols.
And it's just like, no. So one of them was that one of the runways they had like two balls. And then, like, there's two loops and then the runway comes out like this. If you have a dirty mind and somebody drew it out, I bet you could probably make it look into it like, you know, in the science textbooks where it's like the balls and then like the penis kind of goes, yeah, that's what he's making it seem like. It is. Maybe he needs to talk to Freud because he's thinking everything is sexual. Yeah. But like people are talking about, there's like vagina symbolism and orangish is like, no, you're just a fucking lunatic. Sorry.
Yeah, I'm betting what the real case is, is they probably built this new airport and commissioned a bunch of diverse kind of, I don't know, New Age pop. Ah, yeah. They're just trying to be hip and ended up with a bunch of weird shit.
Yeah. But all the airport staff, like the people that like manage, like the CEOs and stuff like the really higher ups, they think it's hilarious. They bring on the theories like they're like keep coming and keep coming because they've turned the theories like the alien stuff and all that they started making people commission are for it like they love it. That's hilarious. I'm like, OK, if you're going to say it, then we're going to put it in here.
All publicity is good publicity.
Exactly. So, I mean, they find it super entertaining. And, hey, I mean more power to you. Yeah, I. You don't make it give you a bad name, use it to your advantage. So the Denver airport is apparently evil.
Ok, my first one is very much in keeping with the national treasure aspect of this episode. This one's called the Burrow's Cave. I'm just going to tell you the story. So it's nineteen eighty two. A man named Russell Burrows is hiking in this vague location somewhere roughly around only Illinois. He's got a metal detector in hand hoping to find civil war. Belt buckles or some pioneer artifacts. And he's just walking and walking and walking.
He's not find anything until suddenly the ground just gives way beneath him and he falls down into this cavern. And I like to imagine that, like, he falls like hits his ass hard on the ground. He's like picking himself up and rumbling is just like, fuck me. And then he stands up his eyes, adjust to what's in front of him. He's like, fuck me. Because what he has found could be one of the greatest archaeological finds ever unearthed, allegedly because it's not just a cave, it's a tomb he describes as having 13 crypts. And it's filled with priceless artifacts, including stone carvings, coins and gold with all kinds of inscriptions. But here's the kicker. The inscriptions that Burrows finds are in the languages of cultures. History says never visited the Americas. They don't belong there at all. So over the years, he brings a few items of the cave, shows them off to people. It's a few pictures get taken, sells them here and there to make a little extra money. But he refuses to tell anybody where this cave is. It's not entirely clear who owns this land, since he won't tell anybody where it is, he might not even have rights to what is in the ground on this land, but it could be somebody else's land. And he's just stealing shit. But he lets people look at it. Scholars look at the languages on the coins. Some of them say they're real. Others say, OK, technically this is an actual ancient language. But when you translate it, it's just gibberish because somebody just found a book of this old language and started carving on shit. That's the allegation is that he just was trying to make a quick buck pull a hoax, started making these carvings, but somehow he was getting. What year was this? Nineteen eighty two. OK, so he doesn't have access to the Internet.
If he is doing this research to find these dead languages, he's going to the library. So it's not as easy, but theoretically he could do it. But since he won't tell anybody where the cave is, archaeologists can't look into it. And all this supposed treasure, there's no way he can possibly get it out on his own. But that doesn't stop him from making a lot of money off of it. It's claimed and I can't find anything to back this up. It's just quote unquote claimed that he somehow deposited up to 15 million dollars in Swiss bank accounts. So if that part is true somewhere, he came up with fifteen million dollars. And anyway, back to the cave itself, Burrows described it as having several chambers containing the remains of men, women and children with a golden sarcophagus at the center of it all, the sarcophagus itself contained a male skeleton entombed with his arms crossed in his chest, clutching and unk and wearing a death mask, as you might find in an Egyptian tomb. And over the years, various researchers and theorists kept fighting with each other over whether it was real or not. They kept pestering him. Where is it? Just tell us we can figure this out. He got so sick of it that in nineteen eighty nine he just told everybody, fuck it, I dynamited the entrance to the cave. Nobody's going there. Which is a convenient excuse for a cave not actually existing. Now keep in mind, nobody has ever actually seen this sarcophagus that hasn't stopped people from coming to a conclusion on who the sarcophagus belonged to.
Ok, how does that make any sense?
Because so the leading theory is that it belonged to this North African king known as King Juber, the second of Mauritania. And like all the other crypts where his entire royal family, it's believed that Juber fled his kingdom after running afoul of the Roman Empire. And it's known historically he commissioned a great golden sarcophagus during his reign and the sarcophagus was one of the main treasures the Romans had hoped to seize when they conquered his land. But they never found it or him. And to this day, the final resting place of Juba and his golden sarcophagus are just a mystery. Coincidentally, his kingdom, Mauritania, is becoming increasingly popular as a possible site for the lost city of Atlantis, for reasons too complicated to go into right now. But there is some archaeological stuff going on in Mauritania.
So did Juba use ancient knowledge from Atlantis to navigate across the Atlantic and survive in the Americas? That's impressive, but I wish we could go into the whole Atlantis thing because that they were actually somewhat convincing. But it's so many leifs of. The logic of nobody has ever even seen the inside of this cave is the location known yet to anybody else besides know and I doubt this cave even exists. I just think it's a cool story of any of these kind of alternate histories where ancient peoples, especially like Egyptians or anything, visited the Americas way back when. And it's just part of this lost history. I think it's a cool story, but I think it's just this burrowes guy was full of shit and made some fake carvings and try to make a quick buck off of it, especially since it's just alleged that he deposited all of those millions into a Swiss bank account. Like I said, I haven't found anything that actually confirmed that. Yeah, but yeah, it was just a fun, little interesting, very national treasure.
Very. So my second one is Harp was being used to control the weather. So HARP is an acronym for High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, and it was funded by the United States Air Force Navy and the University of Alaska Fairbanks, and it was initially used for ionospheric research. So have you heard this?
I'm vaguely familiar with it.
So it was designed by baiI Advanced Technologies, and the purpose was to analyze ionospheric pressure and all that and investigate the potential developing ionospheric enhancement technology for radio communications and surveillance. The program was officially shut down in May of 2014, so it lasted about 20 years.
So the predominant instrument that harp used was the Ionospheric Research Instrument, a high powered radio frequency transmitter, and it was used to temporarily excite a limited area of the ionosphere to see what happens. They have several other instruments that they use with big names. I don't feel like reading Boomi. All of it was to test radio frequencies. So theory is that Harpe in the military, we're trying to control the weather and make like detrimental natural disasters.
In 1996, a lady named Rosalie Bertel warned people of the deployment of Harpe and they were using it as a military grade weapon. Another person, whose name is Michael Chossudovsky, published a book that there was a significant scientific evidence that suggests Harpe is fully operational and has the capability of triggering floods, hurricanes, droughts and earthquakes, and that over time, Harpe has been blamed for generating such catastrophes, as well as thunderstorms in Iran, Pakistan, Haiti, Turkey and Greece and the Philippines, and has an even major power outages and the downing of the teto, a flight, A-T, Gulf War Syndrome and chronic fatigue syndrome. That to me is a little like the last part.
There is a little out there and a lot of things for it to have cost.
So a Stanford professor told Popular Science magazine that it's a bunch of bullshit. There is no uniform explanation to these theories and that so the power of Harpe radiates large, but it's minuscule compared to the power of an actual like lightning flash, which there are fifty to one hundred lightning flashes every second. So Harp's intensity is very small compared to that. So I have an example. An example that people link to HARP is that in 2011, Joplin, Missouri was decimated by a EF five tornado. So this particular tornado started in one corner of Missouri and actually grew in size as it crossed into Joplin in Joplin was the epicenter of its most powerful. So EF stands for Enhanced Fujita Scale and it became operational in 2007. And it is a rating based on the estimate wind speeds related to damage, tornado related. So it's Category zero three five. So a zero equals sixty five to eighty five miles per hour and the F scale. So a five is over two. OK, so the wind speeds in Joplin at that moment were over two hundred miles per hour, which is terrifying. The tornado struck reaching over to our miles per hour and it is actually the seventh largest tornado to actually happen. It killed over one hundred fifty eight people with an additional eight deaths that were indirect due to injuries and injured over eleven hundred people. I remember it happening. I was in high school and it happened. So the theory is that hard power from the harp instruments were used to decimate.
Why would it be used against the.
Because I mean, tornadoes to me, they form and they travel a certain way and the.
They disappear, but it started in one corner of Missouri as an EF one and within the timeframe of minutes, it turned to an EF five instead of, you know, picking up, dispersing, coming back down, it just went straight across.
Did you see a theory like why the American government would want to create this weaponized tornado to use against the American people?
No, I didn't see anything from that. But why not? Why not use it against make people rely on the government? I don't know.
Maybe I'm sounding like a tinfoil hat person, but I could see it if, like, I understand the theories of like, oh, the government faking terrorism or whatever. I don't know of a department that's out there trying to get a bigger budget for the force fields to deter tornadoes or something.
I mean, you see it all the time in cartoons where they're in like, you know, the sanction in the weather can be controlled. Yeah. So, I mean, why cool?
I mean, can they use the same technology to make bad weather go away? I'm sure they could. Can they turn off the fire tornadoes in California?
I'm sure they could.
But or did they create the fire tornadoes in California?
Maybe it's like our president to, you know, teaching them a lesson. Well, if you're going to not clean up the floors of your house and that's going to catch on fire, then we're not going to help you. You didn't listen to me, so we're not going to help you. OK, so fucked up. Poor California, Washington, Oregon and California. This is serious, guys. They're on fire, literally on fire. And it's so sad to see. I don't know. And then there's no like it's so hard to get.
Like, it's just every year, though, I don't understand why performing I don't know why people keep rebuilding like the entire state of California.
Shouldn't be on fire, though. Yeah. Wildfires happen. Yes. But the size that they have been the last several years is a little ridiculous. And, you know, the one that broke out because somebody decided to make an explosion for their gender reveal, OK, gender reveals are one thing like pop a fuckin balloon.
I saw a meme earlier today. It was Anakin Skywalker before and after the gender reveal of his kids. And the first one is just normal human Anakin Skywalker. Yeah. The other one is just him burned to a crisp.
Oh, that's funny because it's tragic. So, I mean, why not use it to control people? I guess because another theory and I never really dove into it, is that after a shut down, there was two men loaded up with an arsenal. And we're going to try and break into it because they swear up and down that that was also being used to control people's minds because of radio frequencies, of course. And they told the police why they did it and they said God told us to do it. So they were fucking crazy anyways. So, yeah, Harpe controls the weather, OK? I mean, global warming also explains the weather, but true. But, you know, global warming is also fake. But that's another story for another time.
Ok, time for my last one. And before I get started, guys, don't take any of this too seriously and get offended. These are all theories. Yes. This is just a fringe theory, but it's about to get sacrilegious up in here.
This one comes from the book The Sacred Science of Ancient Japan, which will link on our website. It contains a largely unknown part of Japanese and world history as recorded in some ancient manuscripts known as the Torkanowsky documents. So a little background on the history of the world. Billions of years ago, Japan was the center of an ancient advanced civilization ruled over by the son of the Sun God. And he had a flying ship like a UFO. They just go around the world, check out all those people, then go back to Japan and live in his palace or whatever. All the races were unified, guided by his enlightening influence. But the empire became too large and difficult for him to rule by himself. So he sent out his children to govern different sections of the world and found new nations. And as humanity kept growing larger and larger, they decided it was just too difficult to guide people to enlightenment and the sun. God decided, OK, we're just going to segment off portions of the people from the Empire and we're going to give them the freedom to grow and pursue enlightenment on their own. The first region that was broken off was the Middle East. And like all other nations, over time they forgot their Japanese origins and they just slowly forgot all the advanced technologies and abilities they possessed until one man arrived on the scene. Enter Jesus Christ. The H stands for son.
I'm kidding. That would be ridiculous. No, according to the records, his real name was just Sukkari Christmas. It's a lot more reasonable.
It's not as funny. I like Hamako, son. Jesus, a matterson Christ. Even though his real name was just so we'll just call him Jesus from where we were.
Hold on.
What was his actual name just to Christmas for real. Well, according to the theory, yeah. According to these supposedly ancient documents.
Ok, because I thought you were literally just make because you had the one there. I thought you were bluffing again now.
And as someone with a history degree, I'm going to go out on a limb and say all this is 100 percent historically accurate. So here's the thing about Jesus. The Bible doesn't really give us a whole lot of info about his early adulthood. Fortunately, the Torkanowsky documents have it covered. So let me set the scene. Jesus, he's a young man, fresh out of high school, feeling kind of lost. His pops ain't around much. No clue where he wants to do with his life. So he does what you do and sets out to see the world throws off his backpack and heads out. He's waving goodbye to all of his pals, making one of those tock singing Tell everybody I'm on my way. New friends and new places to see. No, you're not buying it. No, absolutely not. So then he's off. He wanders around till he finds himself in India, dabbles in a little philosophy. And he's really vibing with the Buddhists. They're super chill. He wants to help get their message out there, but he's not really ready to settle down. So it's back on the open road. Eventually, he makes it to Japan and he's a little older. Getting more mature, decides it's time to figure out what he's going to do with his life, starts thinking. Most of my old classmates already have degrees by now. I haven't even started uni.
When did this theory come out? In nineteen twenty eight. OK, because the way you're talking is way too like futuristic. You just giving it up.
I'm taking some creative license, making it relatable. OK, so he figures there's no time like the present to, you know, get an education. He's in Japan so he applies for financial aid and enrolls in ninja school.
Just hang in there and continue. He formed Bruce Wayne's The Shit spends years learning somewhere between 20 and 50 ancient ninja abilities. The documents say he learns how to disappear. He can jump right up to the top of a tall tree. He's Naruto running across water, probably like nailing down his Batman voice, but he realizes this career path is a little sketch. Not that much demand for a ninja. The parental units would probably like him to have something to fall back on. So he double majored in medicine.
I like that in like twelve B.C. or whatever it is. However, that Batman voice was a thing and Naruto ran.
So he learns all the natural remedies for diseases like he can cure anything with the right herbs like Colonel Sanders. Herbs and spices ain't shit compared to what he's cooking with. I doubt that. Finally, Jesus graduates and his time has come. And like so many other college graduates, he decides to move back home. But it's just a transitional thing. He's got a plan. It's all worked out. He's going to like Criss Angel Mindfreak people. And then once he's got their attention, boom, he's just going to blow their minds with some dope philosophy. So he goes all Crouching Tiger runs on treetops all the way home.
You hear me laughing? You got to have a mike and Fenrir.
Oh, I can't get my head if it's in front of me, but he's not my immediate success.
The had for I mean he's got like twelve followers on Instagram, but he's not gaining traction. It's not his fault. He's out there hustling every day making can't money. Listen, they love his street magic but like nobody cares about the rest every day he's just out there like dude come on. Like just take a pamphlet. That's all I want. Take a pamphlet. And I'm like, I don't know how I turn your Aquafina into Marleau.
I seriously fucking wish we have video feed right now.
But people are getting tired of his shit. He's just a nuisance on the street. They start complaining. Next thing the Pharisees have to get involved. So they bring him in for a chat and they're like, hey, look, you're the hero Israel deserves, but you're not the one it needs right now. It's not you, it's us. Honestly, we love what you're doing. Look at Gary over there. We never thought he'd get out of that wheelchair. I mean, now he's a dancing fool. Renegades everywhere he goes, the kids are calling the next Charlie D, but you're kind of annoying and it's just not going to work out.
My brain fucking hurts already.
And Jesus just like did. That sucks. Did they like. Yeah. Oh, quick question before you go. How do you feel about crucifixion? I don't know. Like who's. Being crucified, awkward silence.
Oh, bummer.
You bitch, but it's OK because his Japanese brother is Sukkari steps up what so is.
Ok, so hold on. Second security, is that a real person in this area in this theory?
Yeah, OK. Why does he have a Japanese name? I don't know. Why do you have a Japanese name in theory. He went to Japan as an adult, but it makes no sense. But OK, OK. Security steps up. He's like, no way. Anyone's crucifying my brother. We look enough alike. Judas can turn me in and I'll take your place on the cross. Very noble. Yeah. And Jesus is like, oh, man, you're the best little bro. Tiwa, I got a jet, but when I come back I'll make it up to you if you ever need someone to get crucified in your place. I'm totally your man. I like to picture Ninja Jesus like slowly backing out the door Crouching Tiger over the trees and like his brothers, just like oh I was just offering to people. I didn't think you'd take me up on it like this because he's like your Jesus, for Christ's sake.
That's terrible, Dan.
Meanwhile, Jesus is still back out the door, what so Fenrir got to go and then he's just poof, a log falls to the ground in this place.
He just disappears. And so Jesus leaves his brother to die. A long, excruciating death, as you do want to ask. Yeah. He takes his magic act back on the road full on world tour and gathers new disciples from everywhere. According to the documents, he has the Germans, Italians, Africans, Australians, Native Americans. Now, this is before Europeans settled Australia. But I like to picture like it was a modern, like, wiry Australian, like, good. I might just hang out and say also whitewash Jesus. I don't know. But he's got people from all around the world and he returns with them to Japan, makes his home their cells down, supposedly make sculptures from the ashes of his parents. That's a little morbid. Jesus Christ.
I didn't want that to come out.
But eventually he dies at the age of one hundred and eighteen. Do you? On December twenty fifth, the year 82. So he dies on Christmas before Christmas existing. And supposedly his tomb was rediscovered in nineteen thirty four in this village in like Paré Japan. And I guarantee you it's a 100 percent real tomb and definitely not a showy attempt to bring in tourists. I believe it. That's the end of the theory. What the fuck. I just like to picture Jesus like in like. Yeah, like a white ninja suit. Like he's crouching like in like the idol motions from like Mortal Kombat, where he's just like bobbing back and forth, but also like this Japan. So what if Japan did what Japan does and they just took this and turned it into an anime?
Yeah. They just took this concept like straight up to 9000 hits, level 9000.
This is how I'm picturing the TV show to open. So it opens with the devil crawling out of a hole in the moon. He's like, after ten thousand years, I'm free time to conquer Earth. And then you cut to God's floating head in a tube. He's like Alpha Satan's escaped. We create a team of disciples with attitude, the Mighty Morphin Jesus Rangers. But there's like twelve of them. So it's like a really big team. And most of them are just shades of white. Except Judas is like the new guy. They're not sure if they can really trust. He's got green. But man, I wish I could be a different color over. Morphing coins are like figs. And Parmly, he was one guy just calls on the power of olive oil and there's so many of them, but they're all just like really small portions of the Jesus megacorp, like they combine to form a giant Jesus. There's one guy that's just driving a sandal.
You know, it would be ridiculous. I know. And I would probably want to set it FILSON. Yeah, that's all I have for the amazing adventures of Ninja Jesus.
I can't wrap my brain. Honestly, I don't really have anything to say. That is why I'm glad you save that for the last one.
I had to condense that so much. Oh, God. Because like the quick intro, like the background on the history of Japan leading up to that and how the Middle East was founded by Japanese people, I had to kind of a whole section about how Moses was taken away by UFOs like he visited Japan on this flying ship that the sun God had. This book's crazy, I can tell. But yeah, that is all for Ninja Jesus.
Good job, Dad. That was good.
You ready to take us into some disturbing urban dictionary?
Yes. OK, so I Google searched. Most disturbing Urban Dictionary is the flying camel.
I got nothing but came venture.
Guess as your gal is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself without using your arms on your dick while it is still inserted into her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking. How much like a flying camel? Strictly a class move.
I'm not proving myself up on my dick.
That sounds. That sounds like a recipe for pain. Yes, I do. In some Jacobsson. OK, so this leads into charting. It leads into Chass. Already know they have nothing to do with each other. But so Chazarreta I like this one.
When you light your girl's pubes on fire, you put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms saying. You don't have enough badges to train me that there's no way anybody has ever done that.
There's times on Urban Dictionary like I can see somebody being this fucked up. I don't understand the logistics of that. Like, do you get almost there and then line it and vanish or delight in them, like try to quickly get there?
I think it's the first one, but it doesn't explain it. Yeah, I there's no way anybody has ever done that in the history of mankind but is entertaining. It is.
Ok, so Kentucky Klondike bars, I don't know which kind of goes with the Alabama Hot Pocket. I did that one time.
I don't remember I was doing that, but I don't remember what it was.
I was probably for good reason. So Kentucky Klondike Bar is the act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another person with the frozen bowel movement.
Well, OK, this is the exact opposite of the last one. Someone is probably fucked up enough to have done that. Probably, man, that's.
And last but not least, manging bunging ammu n g i n g. I don't know what is it? I don't think you're any one. Must have no shame. He or she must use a newspaper to find an obit of a recently deceased man or woman, then must find a body with no shame who will aid them in this act. The partners then go to the cemetery where they dig up their victim. Flip a coin. The loser or the winner, depending on how sick you are, applies his or her lips to the genitals or anus of the corpse while the other partner proceeds to climb on the nearest tombstone and elbow drops. Or I've seen jumping onto the corpse of stomach, thus forcing a healthy blend of rich body fluids and embalming materials into their partner's mouth. This is called. Among the act of getting this blend on your face is called manging.
No, no, no.
Just now. And I think that takes the cake for the worst one we have done.
Yeah, you're welcome. That's pretty bad. That's. Yeah, that's horrible. Mm hm.
Oh it it paints a picture devilly because you so you know, like those like just toys where like, you know, you squeeze them in like the eyes and ears. I kind of imagine that just because it makes like the little funny noise too and it happens. Oh no, that's just that's terrible. One of them that I read is that you wait till it rots a little bit, do it, because there is two different definitions for this. And one of them was you waited until it rotted a little bit.
See, you worried earlier about Skadi throwing up. You're not worried about me throwing up.
Please don't. Because you would be cleaning it up. Well, I threw up as well because I can't listen to people on it. I could just walk out. You could. OK. Oh, I mean, I had to go out with a bang. Dan Yeah.
All right. So that is going to wrap up the episode. We're actually going to be stepping away from the mikes. We don't know if or when we're coming back to life. Just kind of gets in the way. It's not really any, like, drama behind the scenes. It's just we're busy. We got things to do. And this takes a lot of time, effort.
I just want to thank you guys so much for being awesome supporters and letting us do this, because this has been a really fun experience. And even if this is just a hiatus for right now. Thank you.
Yeah. I mean, we really enjoy doing this, getting together record. The show is just a lot of work before recording, a lot of work after recording.
We just need some time off.
Please still go check out our old episodes and I still want to encourage you guys, maybe give us some ideas and we can think about it for the future and let us know what you liked about this episode. I really hope you enjoyed those urban dictionaries. I know I did, because sometimes if Dan makes me uncomfortable, it's really, really fun to make him uncomfortable back. Yeah, for now. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia.
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