Ep. 17: It Looks to Be a Couple Inches Long

Jan 30

Dan & Emily continue their journey through the original Star Wars trilogy with The Empire Strikes Back. The WTF news segment brings us tales of stolen doors, violent poultry, racial discrimination, and adulty time gone wrong. "That's Tasty" introduces a sexy new recipe.

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EMILY:
Hey, guys, welcome back to My Kajiggers with Dan and Emily. We're excited to be back. We've got another great Star Wars episode today for you.

EMILY:
We're gonna kick off today's show with some what the fuck news. We'll get into some tasty news with Dan and some real and fake characters. Yeah. How was your week?

DAN:
It was good. Was productive. Did some behind the scenes stuff for the podcast. We'll get to later. Yeah. You want to launch right into some exciting news before what the fuck me is. Yeah, mine.

EMILY:
Not what the fuck... My exciting news is the Morbius trailer dropped last week. Did you watch it?

DAN:
I did.

EMILY:
Did I send it to you?

DAN:
Yeah, I watched it before then. Just 'cause it's a comic book movie, so I was interested in the trailer.

EMILY:
What are your thoughts on it. I want to know your thoughts.

DAN:
I'm so done with Jared Leto. Like that is probably the biggest thing about it. And also...

EMILY:
You're actually the first person I thought of when I saw it because I knew that you would be very just over it already.

DAN:
This movie, I've been skeptical of it already anyway. It strikes me the same way as the Venom movie. Stop trying to do these Spider-Man Universe movies without Spider-Man. I don't even think of Morbius as that interesting of a character anyway. Like he's not even like the upper league of Spider-Man classic villains.

EMILY:
I think he just has this part because one, he can have a shirt off for most of it. And two, he's just salty about the Joker movie.

DAN:
I can see that. I probably won't even see it. I never saw Venom. It looks like just kind of a generic superhero movie almost. Yeah.

EMILY:
I didn't even know he was a superhero.

DAN:
I think he's kind of an anti-hero. Like I said, the character just doesn't do anything for me.

EMILY:
Yeah, it will probably be one that I will wait till it comes on DVD. I haven't even seen Venom. I've wanted to see venom, but like it is nothing I've ever jumped at getting to.

DAN:
I will probably eventually see venom just because they're making Venom 2 and Andy Serkis is directing it.

EMILY:
That doesn't mean much to me.

DAN:
He was Gollum and he played Caesar in the Planet of the Apes movies. He's the go to guy for motion capture. So I feel like he probably has some ideas on how to make the effects look good. Yeah, he'll do some interesting stuff with venom, cause venom is just such a C.G. heavy character. I think it could be interesting. My exciting news tying in with this week's episode covering Empire Strikes Back. Funko has announced they're coming out with a line of 40th anniversary Empire Strikes Back Pops.

EMILY:
Not that these are. And this has anything to do with Star Wars Funko Pops, but they're also releasing a line of Slipknot characters too.

DAN:
Probably the only one I'd actually buy is Han Solo in Carbonite.

EMILY:
You know what's really sad. When I think about Star Wars, because I haven't seen them, but I have seen the Family Guy Star Wars episodes.

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
So I just think of Peter coming out of the carbonite ripping ass.

DAN:
I don't remember that.

EMILY:
Cause he's like is he has his pants down. And he's turned around smiling and they laser his ass and he starts farting.

DAN:
So I don't wanna skip too far ahead to talk about Empire Strikes Back. But I had sent you a picture earlier. It was a meme referring to how at the end of Empire Strikes Back, Lando is wearing Han Solo clothes. I never realized that until Family Guy called it out.

EMILY:
Family Guy is awesome. I'm sorry. It's such an overrated show. But I mean, I like watching it. I think it's funny. I like Seth Macfarlane, though.

DAN:
Yeah, he's funny. I liked his show that he was doing. I think he still might be doing it. It's kind of a Star Trek parody.

EMILY:
The Orville?

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
I love that show.

DAN:
I haven't watched that much of it just because I don't have the time to watch that many shows. But the episodes I was watching, it was really good. And it also is kind of somewhat sincere as like a Star Trek style show.

EMILY:
I don't remember if we finally finished the first season or not, but I mean, we got most... I remember we are pretty far into it and it's something I want to get back into. Oh, yeah, yeah. A little too excited.

DAN:
What were you excited about?

EMILY:
I watched The Witcher.

DAN:
Oh, yeah.

EMILY:
Oh, my God, was is so good.

DAN:
Yeah, it's really good. I'm looking forward to it. The second season, I mean.

EMILY:
It makes me so mad that it's taking another year to come out. But I binged the shit out of that show and I loved it.

DAN:
It makes me want to go back and play The Witcher 3, which I bought for PlayStation, but I never finished. Also, I have the first book on Kindle. I think I got like it was on sale for like ninety-nine cents one day or something. I just bought it.

EMILY:
I didn't even know that it was. I knew aboutt the games. I've known about the games for a long, long time. But I didn't know that it was based off of a book. And now I'm like super interested in reading the books. But Henry Cavill's demeanor in that is so good. I think he nails the character pretty well.

DAN:
Henry Cavill's great in that.

EMILY:
I just like how often he just goes "Fuck...Hmm".

DAN:
His quote for that series could just be "hmm".

EMILY:
"Fuck".

DAN:
Yeah. It's great because he is a character that has things to say. He's not just your typical silent warrior, but it's great that he can still say so much in just a grunt or fuck. Just you know that character.

EMILY:
OK, real quick. What episode did you like the best?

DAN:
I binged them, so they all kind of ran together.

EMILY:
Did it also... Maybe because you've played the games, but since I hadn't, it jumped in the timeline and that's what confused me until it finally got to the end of the first season, it all finally came together.

DAN:
I've heard that. It never confused me. I haven't played that much of the games. Like I basically just got out of the tutorial in The Witcher 3. I just never finished it, so I didn't know that much about it.

EMILY:
I had to ask Mikey, is it supposed to jump timelines? He goes, yes, because that's how it did it in the games...is that it jumped in the timelines a little bit. So then it finally start clearing up for me.

DAN:
I guess I just picked up on what they were saying, subtle things about what was going on in like the politics of the world around them. And that made it clear to me and like, OK. This happens in this order, I think by the fourth episode. I was like, OK, this is his time line, this is this timeline. And this is like the third one.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
But yeah, we had a lot to talk about how we move on from The Witcher. OK, my last bit of exciting news, MyJiggers.com is now live.

EMILY:
Is it really?

DAN:
Yeah. You didn't even know I was doing it.

EMILY:
No, I didn't. That's amazing.

DAN:
There really isn't all a whole lot for our current listeners to look at, but it's gonna help people find our podcast easier. I do have some secret stuff that me and Emily have been talking about doing coming up that will probably end up being some content for the website that I'm working on that I'm excited about. Just more new ways to enjoy the show. Check it out.

EMILY:
I'm so excited. I had no idea that you're bringing that out tonight.

DAN:
You din't know I was working on it.

EMILY:
No, I know that. I mean, we've talked about it before. That's the thing. I was like we've talked about it, but nothing else had been said about it. It never dawned on me to be asking about it.

DAN:
Yep. So MyKajiggers.com, everybody.

EMILY:
All right. So I hope you got some good What the fuck going on today because I know I do.

DAN:
I'll take the first what the fuck news. This is a really short story out of Ayer, Massachusetts. The Ayer police are asking for public's help identifying woman caught stealing door. This lady was caught on security camera, stealing the door from a local billiards hall. And they've just released the photo hoping somebody knows who she is. It's the most ridiculous thing. Picture like somebody just walking out of a business, holding a front door with like all the hardware installed.

EMILY:
I just want to know why or why there wasn't somebody else like watching. Like, what does she do? "I'm just taking it to get repaired".

DAN:
How?! How do you walk out of a place with the door? That means she had to take it off the hinges. Were theyre screws involved or should did she just remove pens?

EMILY:
She put so much more effort into stealing the store than she really needed to. Why?

DAN:
She doesn't look like that big of a lady. She is struggling with this door and it's ridiculous.

EMILY:
I just want to know why there wasn't people around to watch this happen.

DAN:
Yeah, I can't imagine it was a quick job.

EMILY:
No.

DAN:
There's not a whole lot to this store I just thought was funny. We'll have a link in the show notes so people can see this picture.

EMILY:
All right. So my first one is an Indian man has died after he got in a fight with his rooster on their way to a cockfight. So this guy I'm not even going to try and pronounce his name. It takes place in the country of India. This man who was taking his rooster to a cock fight... which it has been apparently illegal in the country of India since the 1960s. I guess the rooster broke free from his arms. And when he went to chase it down, they got in a fight with the fuckin rooster-- Basically, the guy died from his injuries.

DAN:
Yeah. Saw that article. Apparently he had put a blade on the rooster's claw.

EMILY:
So I mean, the guy got what he deserved. If cockfighting has been illegal for what is that, 50 years, 60 years now, then you got what you deserve.

DAN:
Even if it wasn't illegal, it's still cockfighting. If you're making this animal fight to the death, then you get what you deserve.

EMILY:
Can we get this rooster golden cock trophy. It's just a picture of him with his blade in the air. That one was really short too. What is your next one?

DAN:
This one, Detroit Bank calls police on black man depositing payout from a racial discrimination lawsuit. So this man, Sauntore Thomas, had won a lawsuit against his former employer for racial discrimination. And he goes to his bank. He wants to open up a additional savings account and deposit his checks and get a little cash back. The assistant branch manager, a black woman, started asking questions and being suspicious about how he got so much money. So she said they were gonna have to verify the checks. She walks off, presumably to verify the checks, but instead calls the cops who come in, investigate the bank's claims that this guy is trying to deposit fraudulent checks, and then they still refuse to deposit the checks even after the guy's lawyer sent them legal records proving that there was a court settlement. And they also wouldn't even call the bank that issued the checks to confirm that they were authentic. So now he's filed a new racial discrimination lawsuit against the bank.

EMILY:
When you sent me this article, it blew my mind while reading it. How the fact that he went to another bank and they process to just as easy. And they are talking about how why couldn't they have, you know, just called the provider of that check. Yeah, it's simple as that. It really is.

DAN:
Here's the thing. Normally with racial discrimination claims, I don't immediately buy in. I always look at, well, what else is going on here? So when somebody just is suspicious of a large check and wants to verify it, like, OK, that makes sense. They don't say how much the checks were. Apparently it was a condition of the settlement. Like they can't say how much money he got, but it's a lawsuit. So he got a fair amount of money. It makes sense to verify it. But then if you're not going to actually try and verify it. If you immediately jump to calling the cops... We worked retail together. You can call a number on a check.

EMILY:
Like, I don't understand why they had to so quickly jump to that like. Yeah. At one point in time in my career history I have done this-- not called cops on somebody-- but there's... you look up the number for the bank, whoever is providing it and you just you call the check and some banks will have you fax the check over and they will be like "yeah that was us." It really isn't that hard. And why why would you jump to conclusions so fast, like we're immediately gonna call these police?

DAN:
And the crazy thing is it's a black woman that's discriminating against a black men. A black woman discriminated against a black man. Like, what is wrong with you?

EMILY:
I don't get it.

DAN:
It's so infuriating. And I feel bad for the guy that he's already had trouble with discrimination. He just wants to deposit this pay out and it just causes more discrimination.

EMILY:
I want to know. Or like I'm curious, I guess, to the fact, like, is this the first time that they've done this to somebody? Because, I mean, it doesn't sound like it's not a new routine for them to take things further than they need to be.

DAN:
Right. To immediately jump to the cops. And even after the cops showed up and this guy's trying to give proof, the bank still filed a police report against the guy.

EMILY:
Yeah. Because didn't they prove that the checks were good?

DAN:
Yes.

EMILY:
Why? I don't get it. I really, really don't.

DAN:
This whole thing could've been avoided if before jumping to conclusions... it's OK to be suspicious. Not even just because of race. Just like it's a large check. It's okay to be suspicious, but check it, just check it. Do your job.

EMILY:
Obviously somebody didn't.

DAN:
So what's your next story?

EMILY:
So we're gonna get a little weird here. An Arizona woman has to have an emergency surgery because she got a vibrator stuck in her bladder. So her and her boyfriend were... Let me just read you this part of it, because I just like the opening statement. An Arizona woman is recovering from surgery after getting a sex toy stuck in her bladder. It's a case that stunned emergency room doctors and an OB-GYN. Well, yeah, wouldn't it stun anybody? Why is it so far in there.

DAN:
Yeah. That's horrifying.

EMILY:
So this woman didn't want to be named. I could understand that. So she has a vesper vibrator necklace by the company Crave. I never heard of them. And so she wore it out around her neck. And then her and her boyfriend went to use it at home later that day. Why would you wear it to dinner then? I guess they were like getting busy. And it's like for an outside use only.

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
And they were getting a little hot and heavy with the adulty time. And she goes "I moved and out of nowhere I felt a sharp pain." And the vibrator was nowhere to be found.

DAN:
Yeah. I liked the part in that story where she says she asked her boyfriend where the vibrator was and he says "Uhh...I don't know.".

EMILY:
It looks to be like a couple inches long.

DAN:
What's the diameter, though?

EMILY:
It never said.

DAN:
I could see if it if it gets in the right opening, things have a way of working their way up through our system.

EMILY:
So I guess it was still on and was vibrating inside of her tum tums. And so they had to have... The emergency room staff wasn't able to find it in the vagina. And so they had to have an emergency X-ray and they found it in her bladder. This is the part that I kind of find absolutely just stupid. The woman plans on filing a lawsuit against the company for the lack of warning on the label that this could happen during normal use.

DAN:
Yeah, that is kinda stupid. But at the same time, I really wonder how small this is. Like, if it ended up in her bladder, it might actually be an unsafe product.

EMILY:
Where was the string though was on on the necklace.

DAN:
I think in the article that the chain was detachable, so it just like came off and.

EMILY:
But like it also makes me mad. It's like, you know how tiny this is. And if you're like, you know, you should know the risks of using a sex toy anyways because you could hurt yourself pretty bad using them if you don't use them correctly as she finds out.

DAN:
I think as far as the lawsuit goes, I don't think she's entitled to anything more than actual damages. Not legally, but like as far as my personal opinion, they should make her whole. She had expenses for the surgery. And if this product was designed in such a way that it can end up in your bladder, then yeah. They should take care of that. Maybe put a warning on the product. I don't think she's entitled to millions and millions of dollars.

EMILY:
So when I first caught a glimpse of this headline, I was just scrolling and I was talking about it with some people that I know. And one of the people that I was with goes, "Was she sticking it in the wrong hole?" Maybe.

DAN:
It ended up in a wrong hole. Mean, if it goes up into the bladder.

EMILY:
It's just one of those things that it's not as uncommon as people think, like sex toys getting stuck in the wrong places. But they're just magnificent to read. Like, what were you doing?

DAN:
If it really happened exactly like she said, then yeah, that's an unsafe product. It is time for a brand new installment of That's Tasty.

EMILY:
Oh, that one hit a little different the last week. I don't know. I think you just said it all different.

DAN:
This week we have a cherry pie recipe from FoodNetwork.com.

DAN:
The faces you're making...just remember this was your doing.

EMILY:
You know, I don't know if it's a mistake or if it's just pure just joy.

DAN:
Yeah.So this recipe doesn't include any instructions on making a crust. So you're gonna have to find that dough recipe all by yourself.

EMILY:
I think Dan could help ingredients for the pie.

DAN:
You want four cups fresh or frozen tart cherries one to one and a half cups of granulated sugar, four tablespoons, cornstarch, one and a half tablespoons butter and then another one tablespoon of granulated sugar for sprinkling. And you're also going to need a sauce pan, a small bowl and a cool rack who take the cherries and put them in a sauce, pan and heat. Make sure to cover. Those cherries are going to be juicy. So, you want to leave on heat a few minutes to reduce the mix, your sugar and cornstarch in a separate bowl. Pour that mixture right on those cherries.

EMILY:
Oh, okay. That one got me, I was sitting here like this isn't going too bad. That's where it got weird.

DAN:
Mix together before returning to heat, stirring often until the mixture has thickened. Now move from heat and allow to cool. Go ahead and preheat that oven to three hundred and seventy five degrees.

EMILY:
Getting a little spicy there.

DAN:
Prepare your crust. Split it in half. You need each half rolled out to fit a nine inch pan. Place your bottom crust and fill with your chair a mixture. You're going to dot that cherry mixture with butter. Moisten the edge of that bottom crust.

EMILY:
Oh, that did it.

DAN:
Now add the top crust. Mmm... Who doesn't like it with a little crust on top?

EMILY:
Oh! Oh, barf, Dan. Barf.

DAN:
Get that top nice and crusty flute the edges. Now steam's gonna want to build up that pie. So you want to make a nice slit in that middle of the pie. Bake for about 50 minutes. Now, while you wait, go ahead and pull out your rack. When it's ready, remove from the oven and place on the rack to cool. And your cherry pie's done. Mmm.,, that's tasty.

EMILY:
That got weird. Like it wasn't too terrible. That one wasn't as bad as last week.

DAN:
Say, I was just trying to disgust you with its better with crust on top.

EMILY:
Oh, you did. You really fucking did.

DAN:
It's almost a shame that this podcast isn't a video podcast, because even if you weren't hearing reactions from Emily on a lot of this, the faces she was making.

EMILY:
I'm also that is not a video podcast because I look like a homeless person, so.

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
Oh, thanks.

DAN:
I didn't mean it like that. You know, we don't get dressed up for the podcast. Yeah, that's going to conclude that's tasty for this week.

EMILY:
Skadi wants some cherry pie.

DAN:
I think I've seen Skadi eat her own cherry pie. You know, it's true.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
Yeah. Let's go ahead and jump right into Empire Strikes Back. OK, you're the one that's new to Star Wars. What did you think?

EMILY:
I liked this. So I'm two for two. OK. I actually really like this one. The graphics were a little worse for wear. Well, in the beginning, with the whatever they were, they were riding to save Luke.

DAN:
See, I was actually happy that they were still kind of... Because those were done stop-motion. So I was going in prepared for them to have like cleaned up with computers. And I would've been disappointed because they have a weird, like jerky movement to them.

EMILY:
But now, it was just the difference between like the first and second line, like the graphics and the first one like you get how they did the remaster where in like parts of the second one they only did some of the remaster.

DAN:
I think what you're not seeing in this one is the effects were so much better on the second one orriginally that there wasn't as much to fix.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
And what has been fixed isn't as obvious.

EMILY:
I still thought it was really, really good, especially for the time, the time period that it was made. And what was it 1982?

DAN:
1980

EMILY:
1980. OK, so here's just my reaction in order from what happened. So the beginning. The stormtrooper. Okay. They're in the snow. The stormtroopers look a little fucking racist. They do just a little bit.

DAN:
That's a weird thing about storm troopers. Every movie there's gonna be a new variation of stormtrooper armor.

EMILY:
Really? .

DAN:
Gotta sell those action figures.

EMILY:
True. Definitely figured out where a lot of memes came from. And it feels like a lot of them came from the second movie. And I cannot remember the one that it was, but it was in the beginning because I wrote these in order. Luke kissed his sister.

DAN:
Yes. Okay.

EMILY:
Well, his sister kissed him.

DAN:
See, here's the thing. But it's not obvious in this movie that it's his sister. George Lucas gets a lot of credit for "He's a genius. He had this whole story planned out." I guarantee you, he did not have every detail of this story planned out. Otherwise, he would not have Leia kissing Luke.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
He did not know when they filmed that scene that she was his sister.

EMILY:
Okay. So then we move on to Yoda. Yoda's fucking creepy. And in like the most harmless way ever. But he's kind of an asshole in the beginning and it's hilarious.

DAN:
I was going to bring that up. He's funny. And when you eventually get to later movies, especially the prequels, he's not as funny. It's like they forgot that part of his character. He's just the wise old master.

EMILY:
See, I did not know that he was you know, he was like that. He actually also spoke in pretty much clear sentences. I thought they're all like backwards sentences, you know, like how he has some parts that are kind of like general. Yeah. But for the most part, he actually spoke in logical order sentences.

DAN:
Yeah. It's really become kind of its own like how people perceive Yoda speaking rather than how he actually did.

EMILY:
Also, Skadi looks just like fucking Yoda. I don't know if that's a pitbull thing, but I was looking at her as she sat with me and I was looking back and forth like, Jesus Christ, my dog is Yoda. Also, Skadi has put on some weight. She is a little Yoda.

DAN:
But no, you're right, like Yoda when he first shows up and he's kind of plain dumb, like not letting on that he's Yoda. He's really funny. Like he'sstealing Luke's shit and fighting with R2-D2 over.

EMILY:
It was good. It was a good comic relief of the movie.

DAN:
I actually wrote that note down as I was watching it. I was like, I forgot that he was actually funny.

EMILY:
And that's the next part is do you know the part where they're in the ship and they're like in this cave like thing and they they don't realize where they are? Yeah. And then they finally fly out of it. Was that thing a sock puppet?

DAN:
No. I mean, it was a puppet, but it was a sock puppet.

EMILY:
It just it cracked me up because I was like, oh, it's just somebodies hand. And we just have a little thing. You fly out.

DAN:
So how did you think the asteroid field looked like all the action scenes, the chases through that? It didn't stand out as bad or anything.

EMILY:
No.

DAN:
See, there's example of how these special effects were really good. Consider this. Everything in those scenes, all of the individual asteroids floating around, each ship flying around-- all of that had filmed as its own element, its own separate take, and without the aid of computers, composited together into the same shot, just using chemical processes to develop the film in that way so they all appeared on the same layer.

EMILY:
That that was really, really impressive, like you said, these films and their graphics are way ahead of their time. And I am, even though they look kind of cheesy in some parts, it's still super impressive. My next one was something about that dream fight. Luke was in that dream and him playing Vader. Yeah, that was all weird.

DAN:
Yeah, it's slowed down and dream-like. I like that.

EMILY:
Yeah. Oh. Is anybody ever pronouncing Han Solo's ship the correct way every time. Did you notice that? That nobody says...

DAN:
It's either the Falcon or the Falcon.

EMILY:
The Falcon. I notice that almost every character says it different. And that was just one of those little niches that I'm like.

DAN:
Also, is he Han or Han?

EMILY:
Right. Chewie, C-3PO , and R2-D2 bitch all the time. It just made me chuckle. I'm like, do they ever stop? It was mostly R2-D2. Just sounds like he complains all the time.

DAN:
Speaking Chewbacca. I love at one point at the beginning, Han Solo comes back. He's done. He tells Leia he's leaving and then gets into a little flirty argument and then he's going to storm off getting his ship and fly away. And he gets back to the ship and Chewie has it like torn apart. He's just like, "But I want to leave right now." And Chewie's, just like roarin.

EMILY:
Probably like, well, you told me to do this.

DAN:
Yeah. Can we talk about Han. Like he comes across as creepy to me. Like early on in the movie when he just keeps flirting with her and like he's grabbing her and she's not even really flirty back.

EMILY:
She wants nothing to do with him.

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
He comes off... like you said in the last episode. He is so fucking cocky and he's what is he a bandit or a.

DAN:
He's a scoundrel.

EMILY:
Yeah. And he thinks he like his shit doesn't stink. I think that's just how his character's supposed to be. And nothing against the actors. Not I'm not saying the actor is that way, but he is like he persuades her into liking him. That's the thing.

DAN:
Yeah. I don't know. It just feels kind of weird. Like especially because they are the love story of this trilogy. And it never really feels like they're that romantic. It's just he wears her down.

EMILY:
I really like the relations, like the friendship between Chewy and Han Solo. They have such a good. I don't want to say chemistry, but like their friendship is really funny to watch.

DAN:
Yeah. Chewy doesn't get a lot to do in these movies. I thought it was cute and like showed how he cared that he's the one that went looking for 3PO. He's the one that noticed that gold robot's not around being annoying. Maybe I should go look for it. He's so concerned. He carries 3PO around in pieces the rest of the movie.

EMILY:
I like the part where he is on his back. Boba Fett finally shows up.

DAN:
And does about as much as Boba Fett ever does.

EMILY:
Yeah. And then my last thing is they only play one fucking song. It's the Imperial Death March. No matter what.

DAN:
Was that all you had specific talk about. I've got notes that we can talk about.

EMILY:
That's all the stuff I wrote. And I was too... I stopped writing. I think I stopped writing halfway throug because I wanted just kind of pay attention.

DAN:
Going back to Harn, we were talking last episode about how, like, Harrison Ford clearly just knew who this character was. I love when they go to Cloud City and it's revealed that Landow has betrayed them. They walk into a room and Darth Vader's there. I'm sure it was written this way, but I'll give some credit to Harrison Ford for how he performed it. Han does not hesitate at all to just open fire. He sees Darth Vader, his gun's out and he shoots.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
This is actually probably my favorite Star Wars movie.

EMILY:
I've heard it's actually a lot of people's favorite.

DAN:
It wasn't when I was a kid because it's kind of slower and it's a little drab. Like it's not that colorful. There's a lot of like muted colors on Hoth and cloud city.

EMILY:
I feel like that it was intentional.

DAN:
Yeah, well, I think at the end, the movie just really like pops visually, because once you get into the underbelly of Cloud City and Vader and Luke fighting, you have all this orange and blues. It's so contrasty. It looks really good.

EMILY:
I do have something else I want to talk about. I don't know if it's one of your points, but it's if we can hang on to it.

DAN:
Go ahead.

EMILY:
It's the Vader Luke ight at the end. I thought it was Vader's hand that got chopped off.

DAN:
No.

EMILY:
OK, so Luke loses his hand and I just like that it looks like this. If you could tell that it's his hand, as you can tell that his shirt is like they didn't add any material. His shirt is stretched so that his fist can hide inside of it. And I just like they're only working with so much right now. You'd think if they're spending all this money on the graphics that they already have, they would maybe do a little something, but it was wild to watch his hand just go plop?

DAN:
Yeah. That fight is actually something I want to talk about. So spoiler for a 40 year old movie, it's revealed that Darth Vader, or at least he claims to be Luke's father.

EMILY:
Luke, I am your father.

DAN:
Now, let's forget that since it's not revealed till the end of the movie. When they start to fight and Vader is proposing to Luke, hey, come to the dark side, join me, we'll rule the galaxy together. Luke knows this is a very skilled former Jedi. He, as far as he knows, killed his father. Luke has, what... a couple days Jedi training?

EMILY:
And also the fact like Obi-Wan shows back up in the dream state or the vision state and he can communicate with the. And the fact that Obi-Wan said "I cannot... If you leave, I cannot follow you to cloud city. If you leave and go fight Vader. I can not come help you."

DAN:
Yeah. It's really kind of unclear how much time passes while he's training, but it doesn't seem like much.

EMILY:
I felt like maybe like three or four days, tops.

DAN:
And yet Luke's first reaction. Vader hasn't even made an overly aggressive move. Luke immediately pulls out his light saber and wants to fight. What do you think is going through Vader's mind, even if he isn't Luke's dad at that moment? Like what the fuck do you really think you're gonna win this?

EMILY:
Part of me wishes they could have had, you know, the confrontation like, you know, when back and forth and then the fight. I think that would have made it more interesting. You know, if they had that back and forth a little bit.

DAN:
I think it's a good character moment for Luke because so much about the way this movie ends and it ends on downer. He loses and it's his own impulsiveness and it leads to character growth for him later. He has to learn patience and trusting the force.

EMILY:
It just shows his character as a bullheaded teenager like, oh, I'm going to fight and I'm going to win. I have enough training that I can do this.

DAN:
He's at the age where he thinks he's invincible and he also slightly has superpowers.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
That's a bad combination. But I also love in that fight how Vaders been tasked with capturing Luke. So he's not really trying to hurt him. So most of that fight Luke is giving it his all and Vader is very clearly just deflecting and trying to steer him towards a trap. But then as the fight goes on, like towards the end, Vader loses his shit and he starts swinging wildly.

EMILY:
Cause obviously is just like nothing's going to get through to this kid.

DAN:
He's just chopping everything in sight with his light saber. I like at one point like they get separated and Luke starts to walk down a hallway and then Vader pops out of nowhere like "Surprise mother fucker!".

EMILY:
Yes!

DAN:
See, in the original trilogy that's probably the most actiony lightsaber duel. There's some really good duels in the prequels, but for the time and what we knew of what a lightsaber duel could be. That's pretty good.

EMILY:
I am getting excited to watch the next one.

DAN:
Oh, back to Han. So they're in the supposed cave and they all get scared and decide something's not right here. We need to get back in the Falcon. Leia is on the ramp and the ground shakes and she starts to stumble. For a moment, it looks like Han is concerned and is going to help her up the ramp.

EMILY:
He went past her!

DAN:
He runs right past her and books it up the ramp. I love that.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
I saw that and I immediately made a note.

EMILY:
He has his moments where he's like super sincere. And then back at being the tool that he is.

DAN:
Luke. He decides he's going to Dagobah. Problem-- That's not his ship. He takes off in the rebel alliance's X-Wing. That is like an Air Force pilot saying, hey, guys, I got some personal business to take care of. I'm just going to hop in this fighter plane.

EMILY:
See, just how does he get away with it?

DAN:
It's funny. Like he just takes off in the military ship. And obviously that ship has been lost because he took it to Cloud City and he does not leave in that ship from cloud city. So Vader in this movie, he's really choking. I counted at least three officers that he chokes to death.

EMILY:
Yeah, I did notice that he was very done with people's shit.

DAN:
At the end the movie when he has he's basically won the fight with Luke, but he didn't succeed in capturing him, he tells another officer, alert my star destroyer that I'm on my way or something to that effect. How do you think that message went? They probably went off to the side to contact the star destroyer. OK, so Vader's mission didn't go all that well. I would not be around. He seems kind of chokey at the moment.

EMILY:
Talk about or I guess we can talk about. You sent me a picture the other day. 'Cause Palpatine showed up in this for one quick moment.

DAN:
So this caught me off guard. I grew up on the original versions of the movies. Palpatine, the Emperor, just barely shows up in the Empire Strikes Back. And then you really get to meet him in the next movie.

EMILY:
Mm hmm.

DAN:
When he popped up in this version is the actor that play him in Return the Jedi. But for a bit part in Empire Strikes Back, they just got another guy. Andn the original makeup on the other guy-- apparently in 1980, facial prosthetics hadn't progressed beyond like gluing some dumplings to a guy's face.

EMILY:
That is a really good description.

DAN:
It is the weirdest look kind of bug guy. I don't know what's going on there, but it's bad. So when it was a revamped thing closer to what we see in the prequels and in return the Jedi, I was like, okay. I've given these movies a lot of crap for their changes. That's one that's well deserved.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
I thought you were going to bring up Lando again. Yeah, we already referenced it earlier, but in case you haven't noticed at the end of the movie Han Solo has been taken off to Jabba the Hutt by Boba Fett and Chewbacca and Lando are gonna go after him. Lando left Cloud City in a hurry. It's not really referenced in the movie, but he's very clearly wearing Han Solo' clothes from A New Hope when they fly off in the Falcon.

EMILY:
You've said it different every fucking time too.

DAN:
I'm trying.

EMILY:
I want to know if it just keeps getting said differently.

DAN:
I'm sure they'll find a third way to pronounce it.

EMILY:
The fuckin.

DAN:
Speaking of Landow. What do you think of the character?

EMILY:
He seems like a dick in the beginning, and I understand that in that movie he betrays them and then helps them. But he comes off like, look at my city. He just he comes off real arrogant.

DAN:
I like him.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
Cause he seems to me like the type of person that Han would be friends with.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
He's a more polished version of Hot.

EMILY:
They are the same person. They really are. And you can tell that that they are because of the way they act towards layout and you can see it, the jealousy, in Han.

DAN:
Yeah, Lando is so much better at it than Han. Lando is as smooth as Han likes to think he is.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
One thing that doesn't work for me about the movie is the pacing of like we go from here to here to here. That betrayal happens so fast you don't even really get to feel betrayed by the character because you've just met him.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
You're like, oh, I'm supposed to be shocked that this person we've never heard of before betrayed you. Okay.

EMILY:
Besides the fact that him and Han go back years.

DAN:
Yeah, I think this movie would've made a great season of a TV series.

EMILY:
Yes.

DAN:
Because there's so much happening. You have the whole Hoth thing, which I'd never realized that's like 40 minutes of the movie just on the ice planet. And then you end up with the training. Lando and Cloud City-- like that could have been a whole relationship developed. That's my only real criticism of the movie is you don't get a chance to know these characters and have good character beats. It's so much going on. Nothing else to say about Lando?

EMILY:
No, because like we really didn't get to see a whole lot of him. So I don't have an opinion really built up on him. So I'm like not excited, but I'm interested in seeing what his character does in the movies.

DAN:
I do feel bad for that character, though. You get the sense he really doesn't want to screw them over like he just doesn't have the.

EMILY:
But I mean, what are his options? Because I mean, it's either betray him or be killed.

DAN:
Yeah. And I love when the Imperials are torturing Han and they bring them back and Han's like "They didn't even ask me any questions." They're just being dicks and torturing him for no reason. And that seems like the worst torture. Like they're just pushing him into some bed of hot needles.

EMILY:
Some kind of maybe revenge for blowing up the Death Star. Maybe just like you just blew my fuckin star. Take these needles.

DAN:
That is something weird. When Lando's arguing with them and saying, hey, it's not as bad as you think. They don't really want you. They're looking for some guy named Skywalker. Why wouldn't they want Princess Leia or Han, the guy that helped blow up the Death Star? I get that they want Luke more, but they would definitely want these people.

EMILY:
Yes. Oh, I liked that in the swamp scene on Dagobah when after Luke leaves, there is a small moment that Obi-Wan and Yoda have a quick chat and they reference that there is another force out there. I mean, I already know, but I like that. Like how suspenseful that could be back when these movies were just coming out like, oh, what do we have to look forward to?

DAN:
This movie's got a cliffhanger to it. I grew up with the benefit of Return of the Jedi already being out, so I never had to wait to see how it resolved. Can you imagine seeing the Empire Strikes Back, knowing there's not immediately another movie coming out and having to wait to find out is Darth Vader really Luke's father? Who's this other they've talked about? What's going to happen to Han Solo.

EMILY:
Yes, I am really enthused to see the next movie.

DAN:
When I was a kid, they were preparing to do the prequels. And before they did the prequels, they released the special editions, basically kind of a test of like getting the movies back into theaters. Seeing if there was a draw. But before they even did that, they did a project called Shadows of the Empire. It was a canon story set in between the Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. And it was all about what happens in that time frame and trying to track down Han and all that. But they did all the merchandising and marketing you would do for a movie release. It had a novelization, it had video games, it had action figures, comic books, everything that would be connected with a big release for a franchise like this except for the film. And it was basically Lucas film getting all their ducks in a row. Like are we ready to actually make movies again? And was the coolest thing.

EMILY:
So is it an actual like short video?

DAN:
No, there was no video. There was a video game tie-in.

EMILY:
So it's just a video game.

DAN:
And yeah, in a novel, I still have the novel. But this was the first canon-- this happened--this is new Star Wars from Lucasfilm.

EMILY:
Are these books first and then movies or is it movies and then books?

DAN:
Always movies.

EMILY:
Always movies.

DAN:
George Lucas saw them as movies and then just merchandising happened. Star Wars was really on the forefront of tapping into the merchandising market and all the toys and everything you can imagine.

EMILY:
Yeah.

DAN:
But yeah, I thought that was the coolest project. They even had prop replicas for props no one had ever seen because there was not an actual movie. It was the coolest thing. I remember them having like a J.C. Penny's Christmas catalog that had all of this in it. It was just amazing for me as a kid.

EMILY:
I am so excited for the next movie. I have been very... I've never thought I'd be so interested in these movies. And I'm really glad that I started watching them because now when I'm on board with most people. But too, where have I been? I don't know. It was things like I don't get hugely... like I like things, but I'm not one of those people. Like, I am identified by like you have like the people who are super into Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter. I don't get into that kind of stuff. I have great joy that I get from movies. I'm a huge Tim Burton fan. I love all of his movies, but I'm not gonna go out. I've got a few like Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. Like I'm not gonna go out and be obsessed with it. Like I've got people that I know that are like usually obsessed with Harry Potter. And I don't get it. Like, they're great movies and they're great books. But I'm not going to wrap my entire life around them like some people do.

DAN:
So I'll ask the same question I asked last week. What do you want out of the next film?

EMILY:
I want Luke to be more adult. Han Solo being found, of course, and all of that. What happens in this weird little triangle, apparently that might happen between Lando, Han, and Leia?

DAN:
I thought your were going to say between Lando, Han, and the Falcon.

EMILY:
Yes. Really more to see how Luke grows as a character and taking his pretty bad defeat and learning from it. I want to know if he goes back for more training. I want to know, does I guess you can't answer this. But does Obi-Wan Kenobi come back as a physical form or is he always gonna be a vision?

DAN:
You'll have to find out.

EMILY:
Exactly. I want to know who the other one is. If my suspicion is correct and I don't want to say anything yet, but I want to know if this person is the right person.

DAN:
Yeah, we will answer all those questions in the next episode covering Return the Jedi. But first we're gonna play Emily guesses Star Wars characters again.

EMILY:
Yeah!

DAN:
Just like last episode. I have a mixture of 10 names. Some of them are Star Wars characters, some are not. Emily has to guess which are which. And just for simplicity's sake, even though a lot of them are actual real characters, real will signify that they're Star Wars characters.

EMILY:
Ok.

DAN:
Number one, Cal Ripkin.

EMILY:
Fake.

DAN:
That's right. It's a baseball player.

EMILY:
Really?

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
The name sounds familiar, but I mean, I'm not into baseball as much as others.

DAN:
Number two, Zam Wessell.

EMILY:
Fake.

DAN:
That one's real.

EMILY:
Is it?

DAN:
Yeah.

EMILY:
I know. Like I should have my gut feeling, but I didn't.

DAN:
Daveril Mance.

EMILY:
Real.

DAN:
That one's fake. I just made that up.

EMILY:
Well, that's good.

DAN:
Tobias Beckett.

EMILY:
Real.

DAN:
That is real. Cindel Towani.

EMILY:
Sometimes I do wish we had videos because the looks that we're giving each other

DAN:
She's like... we're both giving each other like poker faces. Like what they thinking.

EMILY:
I'm gonna go real.

DAN:
That is real. That's from the Ewok spin-off movies.

EMILY:
Oh, is it?

DAN:
Yes. Orson Krennic

EMILY:
I'm gonna go fake.

DAN:
He's real. Admiral Motti.

EMILY:
I think that one's real.

DAN:
That is real. Baron Zemo.

EMILY:
Fake.

DAN:
That's Marvel. Jensen Rane.

EMILY:
Real.

DAN:
I made that up.

EMILY:
It sounds like some poor suckers name in real life.

DAN:
I almost did Jensen Ackles just to mess with you.

EMILY:
You know, I'm surprised you haven't done something like that.

DAN:
Cal Ripken was the closest. Last one. Cad Bane.

EMILY:
Real.

DAN:
Is real.

EMILY:
How'd I do?

DAN:
You got six out of ten right. That's a lot better than you did last time.

EMILY:
Yeah!

EMILY:
Alright. Now that we've taken care of the Star Wars game. You want to give your usual urban dictionary?

EMILY:
Yes. OK, so I got two. I don't have any Star Wars related ones because I can't find any good ones.

DAN:
That's fine.

EMILY:
My first one is penophile home.

DAN:
Okay.

EMILY:
That is someone who has an intense love for pins and not to be confused with the pedophile? My second one is pigskin. It's not a football. An accurate term for white people. White people actually do not have white skin, but pink the same as pigs. Also, I put this one in here. Also, humans and pigs apparently taste that same if you ask a cannibal. And that's why I said you made a reference to my urban dictionary without even knowing.

DAN:
Yeah, that was not on mic though. But yeah, I made a dark cannibal joke earlier and Emily was making a callback to that.

EMILY:
It was good though, and I just. Oh, it's so funny. I wanted to say, oh my God, you're on to something here but I couldn't give it away.

DAN:
Okay.

EMILY:
But apparently, if you ask a cannibal, we tastes like pig, like pork.

DAN:
Yeah, that's what I've heard. They call it long pig. We do have a sad breaking news. Do you want to cover that? You're more familiar with it than I am.

EMILY:
Yeah. So earlier this morning. As most people know and they'll know when this comes out. Unfortunately, we have lost a very, very talented athlete on the 26 January. Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna, unfortunately, have passed away in a tragic crash from his private helicopter. No, the people that were in the helicopter survived. And it's just so it's sad because one that's one of his children that died with him, but they also just had a newborn son a few months ago that said so.And he was such a like he was a great family man. He was good athlete. I'm not a basketball fan, but I mean, I have an appreciation for somebody who's good at their sport.

DAN:
So I don't know much about him. I just got off work before we came to record, so I don't even have that much information on it. But yeah, it is sad that he had a newborn son. I mean, I'm sure his son's set for life. But growing up, he's probably going to wish he had a dad more than he has his money.

EMILY:
He was only 40 or 41. And and he just like he just retired. And it was nothing nobody had seen coming. It was an unfortunate malfunction with his helicopter. And it like something caught fire, I think. And so it is just so sad.

DAN:
Yeah, I'm sure by the time this episode is released, we'll know more about what happened. But yes, sorry to leave you on such a sad note. We just didn't want to give you sad news at the front of the show and then go into all of our usual silliness. So we will catch up with you on the next episode where we're covering Return of the Jedi. As usual, please give us a star rating or review in whatever app you're listening to the podcast in. Again, check out MyKajiggers.com. There's not a whole lot on it right now other than our episodes we've already released with some episode art, but we will have some more stuff on it in the future.

EMILY:
Yeah. And if you guys don't make it over to the website, you can always find us on Facebook at My Kajiggers Podcast. We want to hear from you guys like we really do. And if you could leave us comments, say what you want to hear your thoughts on the Star Wars movies. We really do want to hear from you guys and we really appreciate it. And we like we want feedback.

DAN:
That's going to be all for this episode. Bye, Felicia.

EMILY:
Bye, Felicia.